If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
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Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond