Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future

2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.

“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow