If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
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The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?