If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
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I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
what the hell girl, sure
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket