If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
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Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
This is my emotional support knife.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed