@pro_worrier_

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

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@HomeWithPeanut

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?

@brynnester

[Restaurant]
Waiter: Would Sir care to choose his lobster?
Me: There’s only 1 in the tank & he’s holding a sign that says ‘I have a family’

@bonehugsnirony

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

@pilau

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

@Social_Mime

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

@ilovepie84

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

@StoneAgeRadio13

Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.

-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆

@huntigula

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

@jillboard

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

@13spencer

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money