If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
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me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Me too 😆
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.