If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
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Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
🤣
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Barbie gone wild
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
