If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
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My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Left at a local drug store…
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.