If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
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me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Sounds about right! 💯
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