If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
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dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Think I pulled my liver
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Close call…
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.