Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..

Now I just smell like shit

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter