If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
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“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.