If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
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WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
The Compass
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.