If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
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*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.