Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!