If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..
I said, you too..
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I am putting on so many clothes
*cold weather sext
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.