Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.

If looks could kill

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

centaur: I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is mississippi

pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p

judge: im sorry you’re missing an i

pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

Anime is real

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”

– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.