If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
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[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot