Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

[typing in parental control pin]

5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game

VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

accurate

things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…

My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

Become ungovernable.

No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.

My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…