If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
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Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Dumple
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.