[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
You Might Also Like
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.