If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
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My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?
Because they’re two tired
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Breaking news:
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.