If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
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live long and prosper!
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
no
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
What’s so funny?
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument