If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
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me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Lmao
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats