If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
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We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history