If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
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Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds