Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.

“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I don’t even know why I exist.

You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.

The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.