If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
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I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.