If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
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If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Cashiers are always checking me out
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband