Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[quarantine routine]

7am: woke up

8am: fell out of bed

9am: dragged a comb across my head

10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup

11am: looking up I noticed I was late

12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat

1pm: made tiktoks with my cat

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

“Daddy?”

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”

Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”

I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”

Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?

Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.

when dads have a rap battle

How do German people not choke to death when they talk

I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.

Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

Skip intro