Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.

Me: OK, what’s the answer?

Him:

Me: *sips flask*

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”

Her: do you have protection?

MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes

That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

me: I’m nervous about my job interview

friend: just be honest

[later]

interviewer: hi

me: yeah a little

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

– my 5yo, unprompted

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland

Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?