If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I am a gravy boat captain
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
idk what this dog had been going through but same
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
