If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
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We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
