If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
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My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”