Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.

neighborhood watch

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

I wonder if new batteries in my milk frother feels to my coffee and creamer what a fully charged vibra… you know what, never mind.

First day of gondolier training:

You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?

Singing. You have to sing.

Sing?! How could this job be any worse?

Wait, let me get your costume.

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.

Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.