If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
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British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.