Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly

“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

[Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

*sends nudes*

Him: omg you showered!

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day