If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
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I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.