If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
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For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.