Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the club]

Me: I got the moves

Her: it’s “runs”

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

I have chosen my priorities!

#studies #exams

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

🤭😂

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you

me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: ur not even a suspect

me: i just wanted u to know

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”