Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978