Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

my name is luke but my friends dont call me

they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes I see that now

please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Me: Here, does this help?

*turns and walks away*

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

Deer: *frozen in headlights*

Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater