Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”

Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one

sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.