If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
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It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Mad Max: Furry Road
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?