If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
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#Caturday
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
man: wait
time: no
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.