If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
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When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
me refusing to leave twitter
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok