If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
You Might Also Like
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old