If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
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“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
hear me out: A Netflix series where MMA champions go undercover to Eagles games wearing the opposing team’s jersey
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
socratic questions
