If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
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In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
bad news gang
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.