If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
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just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure