If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
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December birthdays be like…
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Yeah. This was me today.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games