There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
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At least once a day I say “nice to meet you” to someone I’ve already met which is a great feeling for all involved.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I’m off work next week so I’m gonna throw this knife at a map, where it lands I go.
*throws knife, misses map.*
Space, I’m going to space
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.