@Jandalize

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

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@Humor_Fetish

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

@andylassner

At least once a day I say “nice to meet you” to someone I’ve already met which is a great feeling for all involved.

@smithsara79

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

@Lerky

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

@Kica333

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

@atDevin

“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code

@david8hughes

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

@tomw1984

I’m off work next week so I’m gonna throw this knife at a map, where it lands I go.

*throws knife, misses map.*

Space, I’m going to space

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.