If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

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I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.


If my dog barks at you we can’t be friends, also, I hate you too.


Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.


So are we just going to ignore the fact that all adults have a favorite stovetop burner & no one talks about it


Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return



Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.


My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”


[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*