I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
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If my dog barks at you we can’t be friends, also, I hate you too.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
So are we just going to ignore the fact that all adults have a favorite stovetop burner & no one talks about it
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Trees have done a lot of shady things in their lives.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*