Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.

Me: but I’ve had them forever.

Wife: exactly!

Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.

Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.

Me: you’re welcome?

Wife: no.

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

me before I type out affect or effect

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”

i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click