Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?

Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

No, I haven’t seen any dogs

Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.