If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
You Might Also Like
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”