If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
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God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
being a writer on Twitter:
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
