If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
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Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers