Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

get you someone as goofy as you.. is.

The little toadstool has spoken.

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..

Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story