If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
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“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
*3.5 thank you very much.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
*seductively eats two tums*
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*