If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
![]()
You Might Also Like
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
“The Perfect Relationship”
![]()
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife