if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
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Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.