If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
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me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”