If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
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True story 🤣
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
I know this now 😂
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’