If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
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Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Now who done made this a sport lmao
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.