If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
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if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
me after drinking all the wine:
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Oh, I bet you would be
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper