If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
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3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
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Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
They did not miss in the small print
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The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too